Weird Jokes

This is the introduction page for our weird jokes section. We all need to laugh. It’s healthy… or so they tell us. But everyone has a slightly different sense of humor. I have tried top look for jokes that are weird but not gross. I discovered that many jokes are funny because they are slightly or even very weird. The jokes below are just a sample of what our weird jokes pages contain.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don’t know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper’s temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what’d he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger."

There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!"
Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles.
Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one then?"

  As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

"Yeah, I know, but It’s not just one car," said Herman. "It’s hundreds of them!"

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem – is there anything I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies "No thanks – I’m just looking around."

One day, all the human body parts started arguing about who was on top…
The mouth said, "I should be on top because, without me, you wouldn’t be able to eat."
Then the stomach said, "Ya but if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be able to digest and transfer all the minerals and vitamins throughout the body, I should be on top."
Then the heart said, "I should be on top because I’m the one who takes the blood from point A to point B. Without me, the body would die."
Then the brain said, "Well, without me, you wouldn’t be able to move, eat, digest or allow circulation of blood, so I should be on top."

Now, the asshole was beginning to get annoyed, "You know, I should be on top because I can just shut my hole and then poo will accumulate and block the digestive track and screw all of you up." It was chaos, everyone was yelling and fighting. Finally, the asshole got fed up, "That’s it, I’m fed up, I’m shutting up my hole."

So for a few days, the body couldn’t poo and the brain had trouble moving, the stomach digesting, the mouth eating and the blood flow going, everyone was begging the asshole to open up.
The brain said, ”Please open up, you made your point, your on top, just open up.” The asshole smiled, ”So everyone agrees that I’m on top?” ”YES” everyone shouted. ”OK!” so the asshole opened up and the body could poo again. The moral of this story is, you have to be an asshole to be on top…